One Finest February

Lonely swan

By: Janti Fitri

I sat on the bank of the lake this evening. I felt so lonely and empty. Maybe like the swimming swan on this lake.

The flowers of flame tree felt down as the wind blew it. Some flowers felt down on my lap. I touched the flowers and I found that flame flowers are wonderful. I looked around and found that so many flame flowers on the ground. It was like a thick carpet.

To my surprise, a young boy came then sat on the bench I sat. He was around 16s years or 17s year old. He was a good looking boy. His skin was white and clean. I thought he know how to dress well.

Suddenly, this young teenager told me some stories. I didn’t know when he started the conversation, but he already told me almost all of his secret stories.  

“What would you think about me? Well, I am only 16, and I should marry tomorrow?” said he. I looked at to his red face. Maybe anger was in this face or maybe just sun burn, not sure.

“Why would you marry that soon? I don’t think that your parents arrange your marriage, right?” I said to this young boy.

“No,” said he. “It was because of….well, no…I don’t know who was doing wrong here. It was just happening. When I realized it, I was bared on my embarrassed. I am only 16 years old and I will be called, Dad. I lost everything. My wonderful youth….uuhhhf.!!! It’s not fair!!” he growled.

“Why should you growled?” I asked him.

“I am sorry. I don’t know to whom I should angry with.” This young boy fell on silence for such a long while. I myself stared to the lake. I was very blank. I even didn’t want to think about anything, not even about the problem I face right now.

“What should I do now?” he asked me again.

“Just do what you should do right now. Maybe your youth end up right now. Be a good father for your child. Don’t let your child do the same mistaken. That’s what you might do, I think.” I said to him. I looked into his face. He was silent and he nodded his head.

“But I am so shy.” Said he.

“Why should you shy? Did you shy when you were doing all of this? You must take all of these consequences. Try to accept all of these consequences for all what you have done.” I said to him.

“It was because of what evil worked!” cried him.

“Why did you blame evil? I think you had called him to be around you. So they came between both of you.” I said to him.

“Am I ready to be a father?” He sighed.

“Ask your heart! How? You know exactly what you want. But I think you asked your heart to do not speak things that you won’t hear.”

Both of us fell in silence. He was with his mind about his early marriage, and me about to found who am I? It was been very complicated.

This lake was getting very quiet.  Again, I felt lonely even I was been accompanied. I realized I also confuse to what I should choose. Stay or leave?

I was living in a heap of illusions. All the catwalks luxurious seem eternal to each eyes that looked at my body which demanded more than just seeing. My night life was staggering my heart. Which way that I should choose? And…all of these thought sink me down on my exhausted.

I was surprised by the young boy. He held my hands and kissed my hands, then said, “Thank you very much for this evening. I got to do something. I don’t want to do wrong again. I want to be a good father.” He stood up then ran to where the sun set.

I looked at him until I couldn’t see him again. Well, how easy to talk but it’s hard to do. That’s the thought on my mind. I just open my mouth and a young boy do what I said, meanwhile I myself not doing things I said.

I remembered what Mom and I argued about this afternoon.

“Josephine, listen to me. I am tired to hear your grievance after the shows. Leave the catwalk and put off what you have right now. Go to England, back to school. Your uncle is waiting for you.”

“But, I love my work, Mom….”

“Love? What is the meaning of love Jo? Grievance? If you love your job, you are willing to bear on all the risks from things that you love.” Said Mom.

“Right, Mom. I already bear on it. I already accept it. I always jealous to couples that passing me by. I am alone because of my work. I do it with all of my heart. I am willing to be alone but I don’t want anybody sees me like that. I hate their eyes. I am a model Mom, I sell mode not my body. I am not the things to be sold.” I almost in tear.

“A willing doesn’t recognize BUT, sweetheart. I am happy you are an autonomous young lady. I am happy you are famous. I am happy you tried hard to prove that a model is not a whore. But what you get from all of these? Emptiness! You prove nothing! Every person is different, sweetheart. As long as there is a model that want to sleep with to lots of men, people will still look at you the same with another.”

Sometimes, I didn’t agree Mom, but right now, I felt really lonely. I need something and it is LOVE! Yeah…love! Love from poet. I felt embarrassed to the young boy. He knew love and I don’t. yeah…I need to be loved. What is love look like?

In my rough mind which I couldn’t stop the storm inside, suddenly, a woman sat beside me and cried. She said, “All the men are the same! All of them jerk! My father had five wives and now my husband. To him, I can’t satisfy him anymore! He cheated me. He has a young girl friend. Well…I am not pretty anymore. I….I am old. Honey, one day if you have husband, make sure that he won’t be like my husband. Let him only love you and loyal to you….” This woman hadn’t finished her words when suddenly a man ran to us. Suddenly this man bended on his knee and held her hands, “My Love, I know you angry to me. But I think you shouldn’t do this to me. I didn’t do the things that you said. I don’t know who told you this lie. If you angry to me because of Saskia, I will answer it. Look over there, My Love. Look!”

The woman who still cried, look to the direction which his husband showed to her. I also looked to the place he showed. I saw a senior high school complete with her uniform stood beside a car which polish well near the park. Said her husband, “Look who is with her!”

A woman gets off from the car. Her face was pale and she wore a jacket and scarf on her neck. She seemed she was recovering from her sick. The woman sigh and said, “Sister Eni?”

“Yes. She is your twin sister who was lost. She was back home because of her husband is died. But soon after she arrived, she sick. I met Saskia accidently. I met her in the hospital. I took care of all the things that your sister and your niece needs. We secretly hide if from you, because we want to make surprise party for you, for tomorrow. But you already angry before the party….so…”

The woman smiled to her husband. She was blushing. Then both of them leave the lake hand by hand. But before they went far, she looked at me and winked at me, seems like wanted to said that what she had told me is not right. I smiled. It was very funny to see what a childish they are.

Looking into this couple made my heart was getting sick. In my youth, I don’t even know about love. All men I loved before was so afraid to me. It was because I am popular, rich, pretty, autonomous, and..and..and..many reasons they told me when they left me.

When the swan is no longer alone

The shadows of the past poison my grey nerve. I am sick of me. Very sick. If only I have a partner, I’m sure they won’t look at me like the way the used to. But…I, I ran to catch the wind. I did it because I want to be accepted by young lady who has same age with me. I don’t want someone looked at me higher or lower. I am the same with everyone. I need to be loved.   

I looked at to the sparkling swan on the lake. Maybe, it felt the same. Ahh…no! There was a white shadow down on the water. The water was splashing and made sparkling water in the air. It was shaking her feather seems like flirting the cob swan. It was very pretty and I thought the cob swan impressed to her. How intimated they were. They made me jealous. No, no time to think about jealous! I would glad to think about another thing. DECISION! That what should I think. Stay or leave!

To my surprised, there came an old man and sat beside me. He started to stare my body, from top of my body down to the bottom of my body. His breath seemed like he was running 10 km. He was like a wolf that found the prey and started to jump over it. He was so nasty.

“Hi, pretty,” Said he, “What you been up to here? Why you would be alone in this beautiful dusk? I don’t mind to accompany.”

I tried to calm my self from the anger. But it was out of my mind, he wasn’t care to my wrinkled face. He looked like enjoy my anger. This old man sat closer to me. I stepped a side. Suddenly, his hand moved to my body. I caught his hand and pulled it away. Finally, he took out his cigar and start to smoking, said he in his conceited, “You are Josephine, right? You should not to be arrogant like that. I know about you. I know every inches of your body.”

“Excuse me, would you mind leave me alone, please?” I said to him.

“Why do you want me to go? It is public area. I can be everywhere in public area. Including you, you are public area too.” He smiled in his deep voice.

“It is public area. But it is not hunting area and I am not your prey.” I said in my anger voice.

“What is different between you and another prey?” his nasty hand tried to touch my body, but suddenly I felt another hand hold me,

“I am sorry, honey. I am sure you have been waiting for me for such a long time. I am sorry I am late.” A young man said to me. He had a good looking. He looked at me right through my eyes, so close to my face. I was staggering by his beauty. He smiled to me in such lovely way. He was so bright in the dusk light.

I was very amazed by him. I even didn’t know when the nasty man left us. I only knew that suddenly, this young man released his hand from my body, then he took a seat beside me and said, “I am sorry, I just try to save you from that man.”

“It is okay. I thank you very much because of this.” I said to him.

I didn’t know where did I started the conversation, but suddenly I had told him about what brought me here without I spelled my name as Josephine, the super model!

This was the first time I listened by someone. It was so relieved. It made me want to start everything from here. I wanted to be Josephine, the ordinary girl.

“I will go to England, but actually I love this place.” I said to him.

“Just do the best. What ever your decision is, it is must be the best. Should you think about disappoint or being disappointed? Don’t let the regret come at the end of your life story. Do the things without any depression from any one or anything. Trust your heart. Believe that your decision is the right decision you make. I am sure you know this much.” He said to me.

“May I, remember you? Well…I mean, soon after I am in England I will miss you. And when I back home, I have a reason to come back home.” I said it with my blushing face.

“Why not? A missing is wonderful thing.” He said that and then smiled.

Swan lake with your swans, I am not alone anymore. I had friend to accompany here. But I will be leaving, but I will back home for sure. Because everything is being started in the bank of Swan Lake on a day on the finest February.